Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Randomize
