All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
