cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
