I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
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