Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Randomize
