well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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