I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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