My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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