Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
operation have a gay friend backfired
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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