I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
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