I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
