Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
