I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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