we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
