Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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