My friends, they love my intelligence
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize