My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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