a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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