I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
