U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
