apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
