I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
