Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
no, he came in my armpit
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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