i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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