someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
