Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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