lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
now i know why i became what i already was.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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