I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
