I will die if light touches me.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
