You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
