a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
