I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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