the condom got lost in my hair
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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