Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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