He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
