My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
