You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
