Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
