got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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