You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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