my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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