there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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