Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I just gargled with NyQuil
Randomize
