so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
mondays should just be called national damage control day
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
