dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize