the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
