my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
