I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
