i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize