he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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