Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
