watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
