I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Randomize