Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
