I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
