i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
