....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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