I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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