He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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