u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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