Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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