we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
