I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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