I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
