The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
