how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Acid is not a monday night drug
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
did i walk over a car last night?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
