I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
