Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
