nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
